Alone

Hmmmm...for the first time since I've gotten here, over a month ago, I'm really starting to feel lonely. I think it's a culmination of a lot of things. I mean, to be honest, I have people around me a lot of the time. Alex and Marcus are at the apartment everyday, and when I don't see them, I see other people who I consider my friends here in Sydney. But I still feel like I'm missing that social aspect of my life that really has been vital and in the forfront of my development.

One of the reasons I believe I feel like this is that I haven't established myself here yet. While yes, I have friends here, they haven't really reached the level of friends home, which is to be expected. And while I understand that it will take time and I need to go out there more and make more friends, it's weird not to be able or feel comfortable enough to call people to catch up or just chat. And of course, I don't have a job yet so I don't even have work friends to talk to. Having said that, it's not like Alex isn't great company. The difference in that relationship is that we're family, meaning we've known each other forever and, even thought we both went to BU, we're not used to seeing each other as much as we do; luckily we haven't disagreed on anything since I've arrived. Also, I don't want to press myself upon her life too much because I know that can add stress to a relationship, so I try to make sure she has her time away from me with Marcus or other friends.

I think another reason for my feelings of isolation is that I feel so alienated from home, which yet again is not surprising since I now live on the other side of the world. And yet, it still bothers me for a few reasons. For one, whether it be good news with my family (like my sister getting into college or my brother coming home) or bad news with my friends (when I feel really guilty that I can't be there to help support), I feel like I'm missing out on really important events that I should be apart of. Not that I can be there for everything, and I never could in the past, but I've always made the people I love priorities and it hurts to not be able to be there if I'm needed.

Secondly, when I do talk with people from home, it's all about catching up with their lives or my life. It's always nice to catch up because then I still feel like I'm part of their lives, but the relationship is changed a lot when that's all you can really do. I miss a lot of that pointless gossip or blabber or fucking around that I did with a lot of my friends a lot of the time.

Also, to put even more stress on, all three BU girls who got here in August or September, including Alex, are starting to freak out that they won't be getting sponsored because Australia is now freaking out. If they don't get sponsored, they are gone in August or September and I will know even less people. It sucks a lot.

So those are my frustrations. Yes, I'm sitting at my computer at 10:15 in an empty apartment, all my friends in the States should be sleeping still. And all I have is myself right now. I now know what it's like for my abroad friends, for Joey in SF, and for all my people who left Boston by themselves. It's weird to be on your own, having to rely on everything you learned, and still feeling as though your coming up short.

I know this has been a depressing entry, but I really am having fun here. I promise.

Till next time.